In the first part of our funny football quotes series, we’re focusing on the men in the dugout. International and club bosses are some of the most frequently interviewed people in the game, so we had little trouble compiling a list of their best football quotes, most hilarious gaffs, slips of the tongue and unique opinions.
With so many classic quotes to choose from, the hardest part of our task was narrowing our selection down. Feel free to wade into the witticisms and waffle below.
Funny football quotes: Coaches & Managers
“What I said to them at half-time would be unprintable on the radio”
“If that lad makes a First Division footballer, then I’m Mao Tse Tung”
Tommy Docherty on Dwight Yorke in 1991.
“That’s great, tell him he’s Pelé and get him back on.”
Patrick Thistle manager John Lambie, when he was told a concussed attacker didn’t know who he was.
“If he wants to play on his own, he can go and play tennis.”
Louis van Gaal on Franck Ribéry.
“When you are 4-0 up you should never lose 7-1.”
Former Southampton manager Lawrie McMenemy
“If people had seen me walking on water, you can be sure someone, somewhere would have complained: ‘Look at that Berti Vogts, he can’t even swim’.”
“I promise results, not promises”
“If you closed your eyes, you couldn’t tell the difference between the two sides”
“When you finish playing football, young man, which is going to be very soon, I feel, you’ll make a very good security guard.”
David Pleat to a 17-year old Neil Ruddock.
“I’m not prepared to make any comments on the World Cup in Qatar in 1922.”
“It’s thrown a spanner in the fire.”
“Too many of today’s owners have carte blonk.”
“We’re down to the bare knuckles.”
“I was a young lad when I was growing up.”
“All this tippy tappy stuff everybody keeps going on about as the right way to play football is all a load of bollocks.”
“I can count on the fingers of one hand ten games where we’ve caused our own downfall.”
“When you score on goal more than the other team in a cup tie it is always enough.”
“Our central defenders, Doherty and Anthony Gardner, were fantastic and I told them that when they go to bed tonight they should think of each other.”
“I’ve told the players we need to win, so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones.”
“I’ve just been given a video recording of the game and I’m going to tape Neighbours over it”.
Harry Redknapp after West Ham’s 0-0 draw with Southampton in 1995.
“Goalkeepers aren’t born today until they’re in their late 20s or 30s and sometimes not even then.”
“Some people might be frustrated with that result? Some people can f*** off.”
“In terms of the Richter scale, this was a Force 8 gale.”
“We’re a young side that will only get younger.”
“I was inbred into the game by my father.”
“Our first goal was pure textile.”
“We are really quite lucky this year because Christmas falls on Christmas Day.”
“We threw our dice into the ring and turned up trumps.”
“We must have had 99% of the game. It was the other 3% that cost us the match.”
“What he’s got is legs, which the other midfielders don’t have.”
“I felt a lump in my mouth as the ball went in.”
“Referees don’t come down here with a particular-flavoured shirt on.”
“Although we are playing Russian Roulette we are obviously playing Catch 22 at the moment and it’s a difficult scenario to get my head around.”
“Paul Furlong is my vintage Rolls Royce and he cost me nothing. We polish him, look after him, and I have him fine tuned by my mechanics. We take good care of him because we have to drive him every day, not just save him for weddings.”
“The important thing is he shook hands with us over the phone.”
“Well actually we got the winner up there with three minutes to go, but then they equalized.”
“I am a firm believer that if you score one goal the other team have to score two to win.”
“I would have given my right arm to be a pianist.”
Sir Bobby Robson
“As we say in football, it’ll go down to the last wire”
“We played with a 4-4-3 formation, which we have played before and never failed to win with it.”
“To be talking about vital games at this stage of the season is ridiculous, really, but tomorrow’s game is absolutely vital.”
“I have a number of alternatives and each one gives me something different.”
“The beauty of cup football is that Jack always has a chance of beating Goliath.”
Make sure to keep an eye out for the next installment in our funny football quotes series.
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